I don’t know what to say. I am only writing on here because I told myself that I’m going to write on Tuesdays, and it’s Tuesday. I don’t really feel like journaling, but I want to remember my thoughts and how I felt, because I enjoy being able to look back and remember how far I’ve come. I have been thinking a lot about my sense of self lately. It’s impossible for me to truly see myself as I am. I wonder, am I narcissistic? How do I come across to others? I sometimes feel I can be a little self obsessed and cocky, but at the same time needing so much approval and validation from others. How is that possible? I feel like I’ve made at least a little progress since my last post. I didn’t just complain, I took action. The day I wrote my last post, I decided to become celibate for all of July. I had a talk with my friend Anna about my frustrations and my need for a reset. I feel like I’m addicted to sex but have felt so powerless in the past to do anything about it. Thirty days of celibacy is what she suggested, and I really liked the idea because it feels like an amount of time that’s manageable, and also gives me the ability to measure my success and set goals, which makes me feel more in control. About two weeks after I made my vow, the man who I mentioned in my last post that had told me he didn’t choose me came back around. He popped up out of nowhere with no explanation and started chatting me up and I was friendly with him. This is someone that I very much enjoyed spending time with and things with him flowed very naturally. I was happy to hear from him of course and we had said we would continue to be friends, like people do, so I was willing to maintain that friendship with him. However it seems he had decided he was going to take things to a sexual place with me again and made that clear in his messages. I had taken a vow of celibacy for July, so I kind of brushed off his advances at first. But the more I rebuffed him, the stronger his advances became. I ended up telling him that I was very hurt when he rejected me and that nothing had changed so I was unwilling to take things to a sexual place with him. I was very proud of myself because in the past I would have almost certainly taken him back immediately because I like the attention and validation. I was serious about my celibacy, and it had finally been put to the test. I had come out victorious against myself. It felt amazing.
About an hour later, while I was working front desk at the gym, a very attractive male specimen came to the front desk and proceeded to chat me up for about half an hour and ask for my phone number. He took me on a date the next day, and his life and goals seemed to align really well with what I’m looking for. He was very sweet and went on a walk with me the next evening. He seemed a little confused as to why I wasn’t hanging out with him alone, so I let him know that I was celibate after about three days of talking to him. He was very understanding and sweet about it, but the next day he was too busy to hang out. The day after that, he told me that he’s got some soul searching to do and can’t date me anymore. I was pretty upset and wondering if I’d done something wrong or if it was because of my celibacy. I really and truly felt that the universe had sent him to me, and here I sat at square one again. But I felt a sense of pride in myself as well, because id done it differently this time. I had gotten the same result in the end, but I hadn’t given into my lustful urges. In the past, I’ve shamed myself for having sex with a man too early and blamed that on why it hadn’t worked out. But here was proof that even as a celibate person, I was getting rejected. It felt different though, more of a feeling of something that was not meant for me being removed from my life rather than being deprived. Still, I was sad. As I write this, that same man texted me yesterday saying he saw me at the gym. I didn’t respond.
buminacan 